Senioritis

The last few lessons in RS have got me thinking about all the times we're on the brink of something new.  In the counsel in heaven when our Father in Heaven presented the idea of coming to an earth that he would or had created for us, we were ecstatic.  We had reached, or were close to a point where we could no longer progress where we were.  So we couldn't wait for a few new obstacles to overcome:  a body, and distance from our Father to test what we were truly made of.  We had Premortal 'Senioritis'.  It must have been like the point toward the end of High School when we love our parents and friends but, while our surrounding are comfortable, they're no longer always comforting.  We feel stagnant in our progression and ready to leap into a new empty page with a story to be written.  How much of that story is based on previous years is up to us.  We may be eager to test ourselves to see if we can really hold up the habits we've created in comfortable, even cushy surroundings.  We may be eager for a fresh start to create new habits.  We may have previous experiences that we feel like we'll finally be able to let go of with some time and distance.  We may be confident that it'll all be easy, only to find that the challenges ahead pierce through us and are felt much more keenly than anticipated.  Conversely, we may be terrified to go and, once there realize we were much more prepared than we thought.  Over time we become comfortable again with the life we lead.  Most of us, I believe, come to enjoy the times we can return to our previous comforts to visit.  The lives we've come to lead are in harmony with that atmosphere still.  We leave from a visit feeling uplifted and rejuvenated remembering the things and people we love and reaffirming the direction we've taken.  Hopefully we feel the same when we return to our Father in Heaven in prayer or attend the temple and our Spirit adds to and benefits from the Spirit that dwells there.  There are times, however we may avoid returning and, upon closer scrutinizing find that we are not comfortable returning because we've taken a path too different from where we started.  Either way, sooner or later, we find ourselves again at a point of stagnancy, ready once more to leap ahead.

I find myself once more on the brink of that leap.  Perhaps not stagnant, but I'm eager for what comes next.  The nuances of caring for a newborn are no longer so foreign that they require all my mental attention.  My mind is moving onto attending the slightly more mature difficulties of an eight year old.  Unchartered still for me lies guiding a child accountable toward her own vast potential.  I look forward to the next few years as her mind and spirit develop more and her thoughts turn to that of a young woman.  I'm excited for new opportunities that await a son smothered in all things female as he soon will delve into scouting and the more masculine experiences he's so hardwired for.  I look forward to leaving behind the immoble traits of nursing an infant as I help a toddle step toward being a kid.  With a bright mind she longs to fill with 'big' understandings, she waits for opportunites to learn with her peers.  And then I remember that, in some ways, I regret wasting the opportunities I could have taken during my last stint of Senioritis.  And I remember that our Father sent us here also to have JOY, not just when we arrive at a destination, but all along the journey.  And so, I soak in the warmth of a tiny cheek snuggled into my neck after feeding.  And I stop to coax another new shaky glimmer of a smile as cheek muscles get stronger.  I smile at the determination of a fourth child to be heard amidst the evening chaos, when Mom has to tend to everyone else for awhile.  And I always look forward to the time when numbers one, two, and three have retired to dreamland and it's finally time to dim the lights of the house to focus in on baby time.  Even as I feel absolutely giddy about moving onto the phase past child bearing to devote more to child rearing, I relish in once more having the miracle of a tiny baby in my home.  I'm determined to make the most of the close of this chapter despite my 'mild' case of Child-Bearing Senioritis.